Madame Web (2024)

There are spoilers and stats below.

Plot

Cassandra Webb is an EMT in NYC who begins developing clairvoyance. Soon she finds herself entangled in a web of mystery tied to her past. She must protect three young women with important destinies from Ezekiel Sims, an evil Spider-Man.

Review

You will notice that most of my reviews on here are positive. That's because most of the time, I'd rather just not talk about something I don't like. I'm going to make an exception today. Though it looked weird, I was interested in the movie when it was announced and the first trailer dropped. The villain, Ezekiel Sims was a decisive but interesting addition to Spider-Man lore. He introduced the idea of the Spider-Totems, Morlun, and the Inheritors to the mythos (and by proxy the concept of the Spider-Verse). 

Unfortunately none of this is mentioned in the movie and this one really might be as bad as the critics said. I'll start by talking about the good points. The idea that not every person gets the same spider powers is an interesting one. Ezekiel's costume looks like a cool dark version of Spider-Man without the spider symbol. Spider-Woman II/Arachne, Araña/Spider-Girl III, and Spider-Woman III all have cool costumes and their action scenes are cool. This leads me to my first complaint, we only see the Spider-Ladies in action in a brief nightmare/vision Ezekiel has and posing in vision Madam Web has at the end. The film's dialogue is flat and the delivery is just bad. Dakota Johnson seems bored and confused the whole time. Her delivery is awkward and off-putting. Ezekiel's dialogue just doesn't sound natural, like there is some sort of dubbing thing. Adam Scott plays Ben Parker and Emma Roberts is Mary Parker. Both characters are wasted though. Though he's not named, Peter Parker is born in the film. There's some weird product placement with Pepsi (who are involved with Ezekiel's death). Finally the introduction of Las Arañas was just kind of meh. They could have been cool, like most of the film just kind of fell flat.

I'm not saying don't watch it, but definitely don't pay to watch it.

What I Would Have Done

I don't normally do this but I'm going to talk about what I would have done differently. I would have definitely introduced the idea of Morlun and the Inheritors. Instead of just being selfish and wanting power, I would have had Ezekiel offing Spider-People to keep the Inheritors from focusing on his Earth. He could have even went full Terminator and went after Mary to stop the birth of Peter. Also while they could have kept the spiders that give them their powers, I would have dropped the super powered Las Arañas tribe as a whole. Or kept them, but made them guardians of the spiders, rather than having them powered by the spiders.

In Your Game 

Ezekiel doesn't have the full suite of Spider-Man powers. He has enhanced strength/dexterity/constitution, a neurotoxin touch, and visions of the future. I'm also giving him resistance to bludgeoning damage because he gets hit by vehicles twice in the movie and keeps going.

Real Name: Ezekiel Sims

Medium Humanoid (Spider-Person), Neutral Evil 

Armor Class: 16 (Dex)

Hit Points: 112 (12d8+60)

Speed: 30 ft., Climbing 30 ft

Challenge: 5 (1,800 XP)

Str 22 (+6) Dex 22 (+6) Con 20 (+5) Int 15 (+2) Wis 14 (+2) Cha 12 (+1)

Saving Throws: Dex +9, Con +8

Skills: Acrobatics +9, Athletics +9, Deception +4, Perception +5, Stealth +9 

Damage Resistance: Bludgeoning

Senses: passive Perception 12

Languages: Spanish, English

Unique Traits

Evasion: Ezekiel can dodge out of the way of area of effect spells and attacks. When subjected to one that allows him to make a Dexterity saving throw to take only half damage, he takes no damage  instead if he succeeds and only half if he fails.

Spider-Climb: Ezekiel can climb difficult surfaces, including upside down on ceilings without having to make an ability check.

Spider-Sense: Ezekiel adds +4 to his Initiative checks and can't be surprised while he is conscious. Creatures that gain Advantage to attacks against him because of invisibility or stealth lose Advantage on those attacks. He loses all perks of this trait other than initiative against a foe that also has Spider-Sense.

Actions

Mutliattack: Ezekiel can make three slam attacks.

Neurotoxin: Melee Weapon Attack: +9 to hit, reach 5 ft., one creature. Hit: 9 (2d4+5) poison damage.  The target must succeed on a DC 16 Constitution saving throw or be poisoned for 1 minute. If the target already has the poisoned condition they gain a level of exhaustion.

Slam: Melee Weapon Attack +9 to hit, reach 5 ft., (one target), Hit: 10 (1d8+6) bludgeoning damage.

Fuccubus Friday - Raphael

Raphael is a seductive and silver-tongued antoginist from Baldur's Gate 3. He's the cambion son of Mephistopheles. He's also a full on Disney villain because he has a big musical number during your (potential) boss fight with him. I've posted a metal cover of it here.

Add Some Brutality To Your Action Figure Collection

The first item from Severed Toys is live on Kickstarter. In a partnership with Johan and Pelle of Stockholm Kartell, they're releasing an action figure based on the cover of Mork Borg. There are four different versions: Dread Risen (pictured below),  Blood Drenched, Glow in the Dark, and Cursed. The figures are 1/12 scale, which means they'll look great alongside my Marvel Legends figures. I will probably only be able to get one and I'm still deciding which one. I'm leaning towards blood drenched. The zine (written by Mork Borg's creators) will let you summon your own undead in the game.  The project has already funded funded and three stretch goals have been met. If you think you're going to want it you should back now. If you do so before 11 am EST on May 2 you can get the Flanged Mace add-on for free. Back it here.

As an aside this is really cool for me. Before I rolled dice, my friend Chad and I would "play D&D" with our action figures. This won't be the first action figure I've got based on a rpg, but every time I add another to my collection it makes me smile.

Z is for Zebra-Man

Their have been at least four characters to use the name Zebra-Man. The original has an ability called Diamagnetism, which allows him to repel and attract anything but metal. The original was a Batman villain. While fighting Zebra-Man, Batman was bombarded with the same radiation that gave the villain his power. Later the villainous corporation Kobra creates their own Zebra-Man to gain control of Stagg Enterprises. This one also used Diamagnetism. The New 52 introduced another version who ends up taking the moniker Vortex. This version also had super strength.  

I'm going to talk about the latest Zebra-Man, though to be honest there isn't much to say. At one point he was a member of Cheetah's animal-themed team of villains, the Menagerie (which also included Weasel). After that he joined the anti-Task Force X group, the Revolutionaries. This group was seen as terrorists by some and revolutionaries by others. He was later brought in as a member of the Suicide Squad, where he served as the body guard to Amanda Waller's replacement Lok. He was an odd character, but kind of interesting.

Code Name: Zebra-Man

Real Name: Unknown

Team Affiliations: Task Force X, Revolutionaries, Menagerie 

Medium Humanoid, Neutral Evil 

Armor Class: 12 (Dex)

Hit Points: 52 (8d8+16)

Speed: 30 ft.

Challenge: 3 (700 XP)

Str 16 (+3) Dex 14 (+2) Con 14 (+2) Int 10 (+0) Wis 16 (+3) Cha 10 (+0)

Saving Throws: Dex +4

Skills: Perception +2, Survival +2

Senses: Darkvision 60 ft., passive Perception 12

Languages: Understands but can't speak English

Trait

Diamagnetism: Zebra-Man has can magnetically manipulate items other than metal and create a forcefield around himself and others in a manner similar to innate magic. His ability for this is Wisdom (save DC 13) He can using the following spell, requiring no material components:

At will: Mage Hand (Only affects non-metal things), Thunderwave, Sanctuary 

3/day: Telekinesis (Only affects non-metal things), Globe of Invulnerability (Only affects non-metal things)

Actions

Multiattack: Zebra-Man makes two unarmed attacks.

Unarmed: Melee Weapon Attack. +5  to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 6 (1d6+3) bludgeoning damage. 

Y is for Yo-Yo

 Chang Jie-Ru, otherwise known as Yo-Yo is a stretchy villain that was offered time in the Suicide Squad to "shave years off of his sentence." Unlike other elastic characters, he also has superhuman strength. During a mission to put down a riot at Belle Reve, he was eaten by King Shark and presumed dead. However, Yo-Yo survived and when Nanaue was knocked out, Yo-Yo was able to escape into the sewers. He was later reinstated into the team and even lead a mission to take out his sister, the villainous Red Orchid.

Because he survived inside King Shark's stomach I'm going to give him acid resistance. 

Code Name: Task Force X

Real Name: Chang Jie-Ru

Team Affiliations: Task Force X

Medium Humanoid, Neutral Evil

Armor Class: 14 (Natural Armor)

Hit Points: 65 (10d8+20)

Speed: 30 ft.

Challenge: 4 (1,100 XP)

Str 20 (+5) Dex 14 (+2) Con 14 (+2) Int 12 (+1) Wis 14 (+2) Cha 10 (+0)

Saving Throws: Str +8, Con +5

Skills: Athletics +8, Sleight of Hand +5, Stealth +5

Damage Resistances: Acid, Bludgeoning

Senses: passive Perception 11

Languages: Chinese, English 

Traits

Rubber Body: Yo-Yo can occupy another creature's space and vice versa. He can move through any opening large enough penny to fit through. He can stretch his limbs up to 15 ft.

Actions 

Actions

Multiattack: Yo-Yo makes three Unarmed attacks

Unarmed: Melee Weapon Attack +8 to hit, reach 15 ft., (one target) Hit 8 (1d8+5) bludgeoning or slashing damage.

Constrict: Melee Weapon Attack: +8 to hit, reach 15 ft., one target. Hit: 6 (1d8+2) bludgeoning damage. The target is grappled (escape DC 18). Until this grapple ends, the creature is restrained and the Yo-Yo can't constrict another target.

Bonus Actions

Size Alteration: Yo-Yo can change his size to small, medium, or large.

Music Monday - Rain

While my last April Music Monday still fits with the A-Z theme, it's actually from Gunn's The Suicide Squad and not Ayer's Suicide Squad. I really enjoy the song and I love that the artists inserted themselves into the movie.

The Guardians of Planet Express

Good news everyone, this Furturama/Guardians of the Galaxy piece exists! This is another fantastic Marcelo Ventura piece.

X is for XXX Franchise

The only Suicide Squad member with a name that starts with X I could find is Xavi, a convict give the Blaze Treatment that appeared in two issues of the three part Black Label Suicide Squad: Blaze miniseries. He's introduced in the first issue and killed in the second. I honestly don't even really understand his powers. That's why I had to go a different route.

It's not a great film, but I love XXX. I remember watching it in theaters with a group of friends. I decided to check it out again the other day and came to a realization. What Samuel L. Jackson's character, Augustus Gibbons, does in that movie is essentially what Amanda Waller does with Task Force X. He takes bad people (at least in the traditional sense) and uses them to fight the bad guys on behalf of the United States government. That sounds really familiar doesn't it? Seriously check out this dialogue from the flick.

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Gibbons: Sir, I think its time we tried something new.

NSA Agent: The guys aren't ours. Who are they? CIA?

Gibbons: No, civilians. Convicts, mercs, contract killers. The best and the brightest of the bottom of the barrel. 

NSA Agent: They are the scum of the earth.

Gibbons: They're programable, expendable, and they work. I think it's our best shot. Do we want to drop another mouse in the snake pit? Or do we went to send out own snake and let him crawl in?

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There are three movies in the franchise. In the US the first two are streaming (as of the time of this post) on MAX and the third is on Paramount+.

In the original XXX, extreme sports fanatic Xander Cage is forcibly recruited by NSA higher up, August Gibbons to infiltrate a terrorist group called Anarchy 99 in Eastern Europe. He works with NSA techno-genius Toby Lee Shavers and falls in love with Anarchy 99 member (and secret agent), Yelena. This is the original and my favorite. It's targeted towards the early 00's male teen demographic, but I was a male teen in the early 00's so I was cool with that. I thought Yelena (played by Dario Argento's daughter Asia) was super hot and Xander was just cool. Danny Trejo has a very minor role as a Colombian Cartel torturer. Of course he gets killed, because Trejo will only play a villain if they get killed for their actions. Thinking back on it now, Jackson's Gibbons is an early version of what his MCU Nick Fury would be. I also want to point out that the song that plays during the credits, Adrenaline by Bush's Gavan Rossdale is a fantastic song.

In the sequel, XXX: State of the Union, the xXx command center is attacked and most of the personal are killed (with the exception of Shavers and Gibbons). It's also reported that Xander Cage has been killed. Gibbons and Shavers go rogue (because they realize it's an inside job) and break Darius Stone, played by Ice Cube), a former Navy Seal who served with Gibbons and is doing 20 years in Leavenworth for disobeying orders and breaking the jaw of a four-star general. Who plays the four-star general? Why that would be iconic actor, Willem Dafoe. Dafoe's General Deckert is planning a coup and Stone, the new xXx has to take him down. He is aided by some friends from his past, played by Xzibit and Marvin Gaye's daughter Nona. as well as NSA Agent Kyle Steele, played by Scott Speedman.

In the most recent film, XXX: Return of Xander Cage, it's revealed that (surprise) Xander is still alive. He's recruited by CIA agent Jane Marke, played by the outstanding Toni Collette) to find a device called Pandora's Box that is a threat to the entire world. Xander recruits a team of friends to retrieve the device from Xiang, played by Donnie Yen, and his team. This movie is even more over the top than the original, but it was fun as Hell. The cast is also a who's who of awesome actors (and one who was later tried and convicted of serial rape...). My favorite of thse folks are Ruby Rose, Tony Jaa, and Rory McCann. Oh and I adored the ditzy, pervy tech expert Becky, played by Nina Dobrev. 

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If I were to include XXX and Task Force X in the same setting I'd say that Gibbons got the idea for xXx from Amanda Waller and that the two teams have a friendly rivalry. To be honest, I think an undercover Deadshot would be a great addition to XXX.

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Code Name: xXx

Real Name: Xander Cage

Team Affiliations: XXX program

Medium Humanoid, Chaotic Good

Armor Class: 14 (Dex)

Hit Points:  60 (8d8+24)

Speed: 30 ft.

Challenge:  (1,100 XP)

Str 18 (+4) Dex 18 (+4) Con 16 (+3) Int 12 (+1) Wis 10 (+2) Cha 14 (+2)

Saving Throws: Dex +7, Con +6

Skills:  Acrobatics +7, Athletics +7, Deception +5, Intimidation +5, Persuasion +5, Stealth +7

Proficiencies: Explosives, Land Vehicles, Air Vehicles, Water Vehicles

Senses: passive Perception 15

Languages: English, Russian, Spanish

Traits

Evasion: When subjected to an effect that allows him to make a Dexterity saving throw to take only half damage, Xander instead takes no damage if he succeeds on a saving throw, and only half if he fails.

I Live For This Shit!: Xander has advantage on all Strength (Athletics) and Dexterity (Acrobatics) skill checks. He also has advantage on all Vehicle related skill checks. He has resistance to bludgeoning damage caused by falls or vehicle accidents. 

Actions

Multiattack: Xander can make three unarmed attacks or two .

Unarmed : Melee Weapon Attack. +7  to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 6 (1d4+4) bludgeoning damage.

XXX Field Revolver: Ranged Weapon Attack. +7 to hit, range 90/270 ft., one target, Hit: 14 (3d6+4) piercing damage. (6 shots before reload, alternate ammo)

• Datura Knockout Darts - Hit: 1 piercing damage and target must make a Constitution Saving Throw (DC 14) or fall unconscious for 8 hour or until forcefully woken up.
• Tranquilizer and Blood Splatter Darts - Hit: 1 piercing damage and target must make a Constitution Saving Throw (DC 14) or fall unconscious for 1 hour and appears to have been shot with a kill shot. 
• Radio Surveillance Darts - These darts do no damage but have a microphone that transmits radio sounds up to three miles away
• Exploding Darts - Hit: 25 (6d6+4) bludgeoning damage.

Equipment: XXX Field Revolver, 4 Datura Knockout Darts, 4 Tranquilizer and Blood Splatter Darts, 4 Radio Surveillance Darts, 4 Exploding Darts, 24 44. Caliber Rounds, Eagle Eyes (tech goggles with nine visions modes, including night vision [darkvsion 60'] and penetrator mode [acts as Ring of X-Ray Vision]).

Fuccubus Friday - Autumn Ivy

Autumn Ivy is one of my favorite cosplayers for reasons…